Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p*ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.

The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won’t. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. Can’t even focus or work today, I can’t eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me.

Please don’t cut me off, I really don’t think I can handle that. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

the Reply

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L” for “Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about”. You did a stupid thing huh? No… doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is “a stupid thing”; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is “a stupid thing”; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a “stupid thing” as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying “Well, I didn’t love him” somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to you yesterday.

Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill come-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child p*rn collector. I could be wrong but, it’s pretty hard to respect some chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she’s seeing someone else and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men’s room.

The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we’ll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC’d about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
KPMG
Executive Corporate Finance - Valuations

The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW coming to one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I could not believe that the volume of traffic didn’t slow down for me at all as I came off the slip road. I had to squeeze into a small gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind did realise his mistake though and gave me a long blast of his horn to apologise).

Unbelievably I had to do the same again before I could get into the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph, enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car not only in front of me but in the BMW lane, but driving at a ridiculous 70mph.
Naturally I got a foot or so off his rear bumper and flashed my head lights to remind him that he was in the BMW lane and to get out of my way. Of course once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me.

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out run him, he put on some blue lights that were hidden in his grille and urged me to pull onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants every one to know what a superior car I have so I had to take my licence to a police station to have some points put on it (they’re not free either, they’re £20 each and I was only allowed 3) but the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it wont be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even need a driving licence, so it would be taken off me.

See now that’s the sort of respect you get when you drive a BMW!